Self-Harm or Self-Care: Finding Your Anchor in Tough Times

When life feels overwhelming, it can be hard to tell whether the choices we’re making are helping us heal or holding us back. During one particularly tough time in my life, I found myself desperate for strategies—anything to help me just get through the day.

That’s when I came up with a simple, yet powerful question that became my mental anchor:

Is this an act of self-care or self-harm?

I scribbled it on the back of an old scrap of paper and used it as my guide. Each time I faced a decision—whether it was reaching for a snack, staying up late, isolating myself  or debating whether to call someone who had not been kind, I asked myself this question.

I imagined explaining my choice to a trusted friend or mentor.

• Would I feel proud of my decision?
• Would they see it as an act of care or concern for myself?
• What support might I need right now?

This tiny mantra became my compass. It helped me pause, reflect, and consider whether my actions were truly nourishing me—or pulling me further into despair.

Reignite: The Power of Small Acts

Self-care doesn’t have to be grand or complicated. Often, it’s the small, seemingly mundane choices that make the biggest difference. For me, going to bed earlier was an act of self-care; staying up late, even if I thought I was being productive, was self-harm because I knew I’d struggle the next day.

A packet of Maltesers might feel like self-care in the moment, but deep down, I realised that true nourishment went beyond fleeting comfort. These reflections weren’t about perfection—they were about intention.

Even the smallest acts of care—choosing rest, drinking water, or taking a short walk, choosing the best person to talk to or reminding yourself you are your own best friend—can reignite your energy and remind you of your worth.

Redefine: Finding Meaning in Your Choices

By asking myself this simple question, I began to redefine what self-care meant to me. It wasn’t about indulgence or avoiding discomfort—it was about aligning my actions with the person I wanted to be.

Through this process, I learned to:

• Recognise the difference between temporary fixes and meaningful care.
• Identify the choices that brought lasting value to my well-being.
• See my daily habits as an opportunity to honour my needs and redefine my purpose.

It’s amazing how these small moments of awareness can help us find clarity and direction, even in the most challenging times.

Reframe: Setting Boundaries That Support You

Asking myself, “Is this self-care or self-harm?” also helped me to reframe my boundaries. I became more attuned to what nourished me versus what drained me—and I started making choices accordingly.

• I said no to situations that felt depleting.
• I allowed myself to rest without guilt.
• I became more intentional about the relationships and activities that filled my bucket of courage.

This shift wasn’t easy, but it was empowering. Each decision helped me build a life that felt more aligned with my values and priorities.

Restore: Finding Balance Through Self-Reflection

Over time, these small acts of self-awareness helped me restore balance. At first, I leaned on my mantra daily. It was my safety net, guiding me through shaky moments. But gradually, I realised I didn’t need it as often. My choices became more automatic, and I began to trust myself again.

This is the beauty of self-care—it’s not about getting it perfect every time. It’s about building habits that support your long-term well-being and create a foundation for resilience.

It’s Okay to Muddle Through

Life isn’t perfect, and neither are we. Some days, you’ll make choices that feel more like self-harm than self-care. That’s okay. The important thing is to keep checking in with yourself, to keep learning, and to keep trying.

One small act of self-care at a time can make a world of difference.

What About You?

• Are your daily choices supporting the person you want to become—or holding you back?
• What messages or mantras do you tell yourself that you’d like to turn on their head?

It’s never too late to reset and realign. Start by asking yourself the same question I did: Is this self-care or self-harm?

The choice is down to you.